Today’s typing will be real. Personal. And shitty.

I had spinal fusion surgery a month ago today. Each day over the past two weeks, my neuropathy pain has gotten worse in my feet. To the point that I am up at 2-3 a.m. each night suffering and trying to figure out what to do.

I don’t want to overtake meds. I know people will tell me that’s what they are for, and I have been taking them. I just don’t want to overtake them.

I’m starting to worry that something didn’t go right, and this might be my new normal. Of course, it’s been a month and I had my back sliced open and mangled and put into a cage. Why do I think it would be better?

I just didn’t plan on this. Every night it seems to get a little bit worse. I wake up and my feet burn. I get up. I walk around. I put some cream on them. I take pain meds. Sometimes it’s better. Sometimes it’s not.

I end up sleeping way over, missing time with my son. Missing time with my partner. Hell, just missing time.

The days all are in a daze of lack of sleep and more pain meds.

I walk a lot. The pollen has made my chest full of mucus and I’m very thankful for fucking plants right now.

I find myself unable to read either because I start leaning to the side or forward to alleviate pain, or I am so drug dazed, or sleep deprived them the words dance about the page or I simply nod off.

I was just looking at my email, I saw it at 2:30 a.m. I got a review the surgeon email. What great timing you have.

On Monday, I’m calling the physical therapist, hoping I can get in to see if that will help. Being told by the nurse of my surgeon that the hospital makes appointments months out was not the most encouraging thing to hear.

I’m starting to have thoughts I haven’t had in a long, long time. I don’t have the support I once had to battle those thoughts. I feel I can’t even be honest with myself about it. And that is no good.

Since I had surgery, one friend called. A couple others have texted. My sisters came to visit. My partner has been as supportive as she can be. I don’t know what my son thinks.

I can’t remember the last time I had a beer. Must’ve been dive bar night a couple months ago.

I miss just sitting around, drinking myself silly, listening to music and typing. I won’t say I was my happiest then, because I certainly wasn’t happy. But it was oddly fulfilling.

I look at the number of words I’ve typed, and I’m just passing 475. And I don’t feel like I can get to 750. The muscle memory isn’t there.

I want to write my hopeless drivel again. Always chasing what got away or never was.

The Divinyls “Only Lonely” is stuck in my head. I didn’t like the Divinyls when they first came out. Really, I never heard of them. I’m sure I saw them at the US Festival on TV or on MTV at some point. Before they became famous because the singer sang a song about masturbation.

It seems a fitting song to get stuck in my head while I’m feeling sorry for myself because of the decisions I’ve made over the years that have left me without any close by friends. I won’t say close friends, because I have them. And I do believe a few of them would actually check in on me if they lived nearby.

Here are the lyrics:

Well I feel alright when it comes daylight
But when it comes the night
I am only lonely, I am only lonely

And if it doesn’t feel right
When I hold you tight, oh baby it’s alright
I am only lonely, I am only lonely

Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved
Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved

And if it doesn’t feel right
When I hold you tight, oh baby it’s alright
I am only lonely, I am only lonely

Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved
Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved

He said “Come on baby, not on the first date”
So I said “Okay baby, how long must I wait?”

Well I feel alright when it comes daylight
But when it comes the night
I am only lonely, I am only lonely

And if it doesn’t feel right
When I hold you tight, oh baby it’s alright
I am only lonely, I am only lonely

Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved
Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved

Oh, baby wonder if we could get involved
Wonder could we get involved

Wonder could we get involved
Wonder could we get in

My feet hurt less after rubbing cream on them. I don’t really want to go back to bed. Laying down is now my enemy. It’s what puts pressure on whatever the hell is causing my pain. But I’m tired. In so many ways.